Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
