It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
