Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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