She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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