Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
