listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
