went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
