Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
