My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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