you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
