I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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