Will you blow on my dice?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize