Your tits are I can't wait for
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
