Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
