Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
