Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
