My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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