Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
