You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
