I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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