i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
