Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
