is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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