I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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