So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
