She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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