Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
