so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
