During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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