There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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