New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
