my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize
