Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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