You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
