My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
