Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
