dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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