Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
