I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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