those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I am spending my child support on dildos
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
