my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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