ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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