Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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