like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
