Umm I'm too high to move.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
