I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
