Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
