There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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