wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
