Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
