you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
