Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
