i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
