It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
