Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
