He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
