I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
