is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
