you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you win again, gameday.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
