I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
