bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
