she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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