i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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