All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
