i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Randomize
