Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
