Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My bed smells like the plague
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
