She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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