So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
