whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
im six kinds of drunk right now
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
